8 Unitarian Universalist Congregations of Greater Houston+

Digital greeting card from MamasDay.org, part of the Strong Families Initiative (© 2012 Verónica Bayetti Flores/Forward Together)

Like so many holidays celebrated in the United States, Mother’s Day seems designed to make parents and children alike feel guilty, overwhelmed, or just plain unhappy. The greeting card industry and the sellers of chocolates, jewelry, and trinkets seem to have convinced us that he who loves his mother the most, spends the most money.

Then into this commercialized climate comes the recognition that not everyone has a mother in their life (through choice or circumstance) and not every person who is biologically female wants to give birth or raise children. Many women struggle for years through infertility and frustration to become (or not become) mothers. As Unitarian Universalists, we value honoring diversity, but sometimes we can find ourselves at a loss as to how to celebrate some while not excluding, hurting, or offending others.

This year the Unitarian Universalist Association has become the first religious organization to partner with the Strong Families Initiative, offering liturgical resources such as prayers, meditations, and readings for Mother’s Day that stretch our thinking to include motherhood in all of its forms. The initiative reminds us that not only are women who have adopted children mothers; so are women of all colors and ethnic backgrounds, women trapped by systemic poverty, and women who are legally separated from their children or incarcerated. Likewise, many of those who identify as transgender, gender-queer, or lesbian are also mothers.

Jessica Halperin, the women’s issues program associate and Clara Barton intern with the Unitarian Universalist Association, explains that this is a natural and helpful framework for Unitarian Universalists to celebrate Mother’s Day and bring forward the legacy of Julia Ward Howe. She says, “Strong Families is a national initiative to change policy and culture in support of all families. Their annual Mama’s Day Our Way campaign lifts up and celebrates the magic and heartbreak of being a mama and honors the experiences of motherhood that often don’t fit ideas of a traditional Mother’s Day.”

Essentially by lifting up this idea of diversity in motherhood and extending the very idea of mothering (or being a mama) beyond the idea of femininity or biology allows us to truly celebrate and honor all those who “mother” us in our lives. This may be an aunt who never gave birth to children (by choice or not) who serves this important role in your life, or the father who held your hand through life’s difficult moments (either in absence of a mother figure or as part of a family with two loving dads).

So, this Mother’s Day, remember that you have the awesome responsibility to help the next generation understand that in celebrating motherhood, all who mother deserve to be celebrated—including those who are lesbian, transgender, gender-queer, disabled, have adopted, are of questionable legal immigrant status, or are incarcerated. Remember the many different ways people can come to be “mamas.” You might even find a beautiful e-card that speaks to your heart on the Strong Families website to send to those very important people in your life. And have a happy Mother’s Day the UU way!

© Joshua Blake/iStockPhoto

We teach our children from an early age about the inherent worth and dignity of every person; they learn that it is important to seek justice, equity, and compassion; we emphasize a responsible search for truth and meaning and the goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all. Then they hit a brick wall. Sometimes it’s middle school, sometimes it comes earlier or later in life. But come it does: the realization that we are different from a large part of the world.

Lifelong UU Kate Erslev describes in her book, Full Circle: Fifteen Ways to Grow Lifelong UUs, how Howard Welsh, a Vietnam veteran raised as a Unitarian Universalist, felt his church had let him down by focusing only on its ideals. Welsh stressed to Erslev the importance of helping children and teens face the walls in our society. When their idealism comes face-to-face with the realities of injustice, intolerance, and judgment by their peers, will they be prepared? Or will they feel betrayed when they come up against our sexist, racist, oppressive, violent culture?

Although she is getting ready to graduate from high school now, I vividly remember the struggle my daughter Shannon faced in seventh and eighth grade when her school friends made it their mission to “convert” her to Christianity. Her church had taught her since she was a preschooler the importance of respecting the beliefs of others, and she just couldn’t understand why her friends didn’t follow the same code of morality that she did. It was only after multiple conversations between us, accompanied by lots of hugs and moral support from her church, that she was finally able to understand that her friends actually believed that they were helping her by trying to get her to accept Jesus as her Lord and Savior.

They’ve since parted ways, and Shannon has found a group of high school friends who love her and accept her for who she is. She is now out in her high school as bisexual and an atheist (which was actually harder for many people at her school to accept than the idea that she wasn’t “straight”). She has also had the support of two different church communities, a Unitarian Universalist youth group and lifelong friends she bonded with at a camp for UU teens.

Did I as a parent let her down by not preparing her for this life lesson? At the time I feared that I did. But parents cannot anticipate every challenge our children will face, nor can we cushion them from all the difficulties they will experience in their lifetime. I did try to explain to her that other people in the world thought differently than we did, but it was mainly in the context of bullying and standing up for others. Instead, it was her friends who demeaned her by trying to convince her she was wrong, not her adversaries.

We cannot possibly protect our children against all the evil and pain in the world, and we shouldn’t even try. But we do need to provide a safety net for them when they fall, and give them a sledgehammer of Unitarian Universalist faith for when they come up against that wall.

© 2009 Frank Pali/iStockPhoto

Because we live in a culture where Christianity dominates, Easter offers many opportunities for us to communicate our family’s theological perspectives on the meaning of Jesus. Since the celebration of Easter is for many people tied to Jesus’s resurrection, it is important that we let our children know—whether or not we consider ourselves Christian—the story surrounding this holiday.

One of the ways that I have done this, now that my children are older, is by watching the movie Jesus Christ Superstar on Good Friday (the remake done in the year 2000 makes the story more contemporary and less “retro” for today’s youth). I particularly like this movie because it is ambiguous. Throughout it, the question is posed: Is he a man, or is he God? It’s rather open to interpretation and perspective.

This movie always opens the door for conversation and the opportunity to respond to thoughtful questions. Whether it’s “Why do they call it Good Friday if that is the day he died?” or “If he was God, why couldn’t he just stop them from killing him?” these questions need to be considered and talked about. Our Unitarian Universalist children have inquisitive minds and are burning with questions. Easter can be one more opportunity to help them find some answers.

For younger children, there is the picture book on Unitarian Universalist views of Jesus by Lynn Tuttle, Meet Jesus: The Life and Lessons of A Beloved Teacher. Mentioned briefly is Jesus’s birth, death, and resurrection as part of celebrating Christmas and Easter. Sharing this with children will give them a sense of how Jesus might have lived as a man working to promote kindness, love, and respect.

Some Unitarian Universalist parents are torn over the celebration of Easter. While they may have no problem celebrating Christmas—and the birth of Jesus—they balk at a holiday that commemorates the resurrection. They wonder if they should celebrate a holiday contradictory to their theology.
While some families wouldn’t mind a secular celebration of the holiday, so many of the non-Christian traditions around Easter involve candy and gifts. Without any real substance behind the celebration, it seems rather shallow, and the parents who share this perspective may opt out of celebrating it altogether.

There is another tradition associated with the secular celebration of Easter, however: the coloring of and hunting for Easter eggs. Eggs have long been associated with new life and were an essential part of many spring celebrations in diverse cultures.

My children have grown up participating in egg hunts where they receive candy, but also ones that involve finding stickers or other low-priced trinkets. There are some Unitarian Universalist churches that have started connecting a food drive with the annual Easter egg hunt, effectively removing the candy from the picture and turning the hunt for eggs into a service project.

My own favorite church tradition is the wearing of hats or a fancy Easter bonnet to church. This allows anyone to come in hats—sometimes crazy or silly—that express their personalities. My thanks go to the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Elkhart, Indiana, for giving me and my family the chance to participate in this annual tradition.

Unitarian Universalist families who want to celebrate the secular aspects of Easter can approach it from the perspective that they are commemorating the arrival of spring through the symbols of ancient pagan traditions. Parents can talk about the annual resurrection of life through plants, flowers and trees—and if they wish—encourage their children to color eggs and participate in egg hunts to celebrate the coming of spring and the changes the Earth brings. They can also approach this holiday as a time to share about their personal beliefs and be open to questions children may have about the man called Jesus—and how other families may perceive him differently than their family does.

© 2013 real444/istockphoto

Dale McGowan estimates in his book, Parenting Beyond Belief, that children will ask approximately 427,050 questions between their second and fifth birthdays. That’s an awful lot of questions! And not all of the answers are able to be articulated, let alone explained in a fashion that can be understood by the mind of a young child.

When it comes to Unitarian Universalist parenting, this can be a real challenge. After all, at the very heart of our religious tradition is the idea of questioning, seeking, wondering, exploring, and even changing our minds when new things become important. Children have a natural curiosity about the world and about life. One of the most frequently heard questions is “why?”

Since many questions about the meaning of life, the nature of the universe, and why bad things happen involve abstract concepts, the challenge for us is to make the intangible tangible.

While it is tempting for us as adults to leap into logical thought and provide thoughtful “answers” to a child’s questions, many times those answers are too abstract for the concrete-thinking minds of our children and may only serve to quash that sense of awe and wonder they experience in the world.

For this very reason, one of the best books to share with preschool age children is Lawrence and Karen Kushner’s Because Nothing Looks Like God. While it does suggest a divine presence, it avoids anthropomorphizing while trying to make the abstract real for youngsters. Using metaphors children understand and can relate to—like cool breezes on a hot night and caterpillars chewing on leaves—the Kushners are able to do so well what many of us struggle with when it comes to making the abstract real for concrete thinkers.

While children in the elementary grades (kindergarten through fifth or sixth grade) remain concrete thinkers, they are more able to grapple with what is real and what is not. Children of this age are naturally curious about the really profound mysteries of life and are capable of being appreciative of the universal and enduring values that bring meaning to the world. Their curiosity can be revealed through lots of questions not only about what is real, and what is true, but also about what is fair.

They want to know not only “why” but also “how” about everything in their world. Children of this age want to keep track of everything, place things into categories, and classify all the newly acquired information. They may also insist upon proof of fact or be adamant about testing it out. At this point, children have a strong need to know not just what their parents think and believe, but why.

It also becomes increasingly relevant for girls and boys to begin understanding the specifics of what distinguishes their religion from others. The stories, symbols, and shared traditions of their religion take on a new significance. Their identity as a person of faith grows as they participate in rituals and can identify the shared stories of their religious tradition.

This is why an elated 8-year-old girl at my church (upon noticing my chalice necklace) got so excited and felt an instant connection to the jewelry. “It’s like the crosses my friends wear,” she said, instantly recognizing the symbol and its significance. Because she witnessed the lighting of the chalice in her church and in her RE classroom, she knew the symbol I wore and identified with it.

Unknowingly, I had just helped her to piece together the growing puzzle of her faith identity just by coming to church that morning and wearing my chalice necklace. Sometimes it’s truly amazing how we can give answers without even knowing there was a question being asked.

©2012 Debbie Lund/iStockphoto

News that the Boy Scouts of America is considering lifting the ban on gay participants and leaders is undoubtedly great news to the boys or adult leaders who have recently made news because they were kicked out of the organization or were unable to be awarded their Eagle (even after completing all of the requirements) for being openly gay. It would also be good news for my family—and for the many other Unitarian Universalist families who have been allowing their children to be active in their local Boy Scout troops while actively working on efforts that would trickle up to the national organization.

Sure, the policy change BSA is contemplating falls far short of the ideal many are still calling for, which would be a strong statement against antigay bigotry. The new policy would no longer dictate excluding gays from local scouting groups. But local sponsoring organizations could still prohibit participation by people who are openly gay.

Zach Wahls, an Eagle Scout who was raised by two mothers as a Unitarian Universalist, welcomed the policy change and said he looks forward to helping chartered organizations end exclusion. “This would be an incredible step forward in the right direction,” said Wahls, founder of Scouts for Equality and the initiator of a petition requesting the reconsideration of the ban which garnered 1.2 million signatures. He has also said publicly that he believes if the national organization drops its anti-gay policy, local organizations will “welcome gays with open arms.” (UU World profiled Wahls last year; also see Wahls’s UU World essay about his sudden fame as a advocate of LGBT rights.)

A step forward, yes, and in the right direction. We can’t always expect giant leaps. This first step can open many doors to other changes, including the renunciation of BSA’s announcement in 1998 that the Unitarian Universalist Association could no longer award its Religion in Life emblem to its Boy Scouts and that no Unitarian Universalist Boy Scout who had previously earned it was allowed to wear it.

Only half of the dispute between the BSA and the UUA was over Scouting’s anti-gay policy. Since Unitarian Universalist congregations do not require their members to hold specific beliefs about the nature or existence of any deity, the Religion in Life materials assured those Unitarian Universalist scouts who might have a conflict with pledging their duty “to God” that people mean many things when they use the word God and one need not necessarily hold a traditional belief in a deity who acts in the world to say the Boy Scout Pledge (or the Pledge of Allegiance, for that matter). The national organization of Boys Scouts did not like that thinking or, apparently, the notion of real religious pluralism, which includes free-thinkers, non-believers, and pagans—even though they say that a Scout is “faithful in his religious duties and respects the convictions of others in matters of custom and religion.”

However, it is possible that the Scouts will not even take the step they’ve proposed, as many Evangelical and self-defined Bible-based churches have threatened to withdraw their support for local troops if the national ban is dropped. This could be a problem because 70 percent of all troops are sponsored by faith-based organizations. This spiteful and obviously manipulative act could mean thousands of boys who benefit from participation in the organization would be left at loose ends.

If this does occur, I hope that Unitarian Universalist congregations across the country will open their doors and welcome their local Boy Scout troops in as a sign of support for the steps taken by the national organization.

In the meantime, we can still call 972-580-2330 and say “I am for the policy change.” If you can’t get through, email your support for lifting the ban to nationalsupportcenter@scouting.org.

@2011 Christopher Futcher/iStockphoto

A Republican state senator in Indiana is promoting a bill in the legislature that would allow public schools to start the day with prayer. Not just any prayer, mind you, but the Lord’s Prayer.

Putting aside the broader issues with religious freedom and separation of church and state, requiring students to recite the Lord’s Prayer is a blatant exclusion of people who are not Christian. A child being raised as Muslim or Jewish should not be required to recite a Christian prayer any more than a child being raised as Christian should be required to recite a Jewish or Muslim prayer. Other questions abound: What version of the Lord’s Prayer will be uttered? The Catholic version? The King James version? Or one of the many modern adaptations commonly offered in the wide variety of Protestant churches? How about the version found in the Gospel of Luke, which differs from the better known version in the Gospel of Matthew?

The bill’s promoters say that it offers a way for students to “opt out” of the prayer. Obviously, these people have no concept of the peer pressure and possible social ramifications if a child did decide to opt out. Children and teens who have refused to say the Pledge of Allegiance or even just the words “under God” as part of the pledge have been persecuted by their peers and repeatedly punished by their school systems. While they may eventually prevail in the court system, is it worth it to live daily with the taunting and the teasing and the loss of privileges?

Needless to say, I was surprised when my 10-year-old son told me that he is glad there is an option for a parent to send a letter so he wouldn’t have to say the prayer. “You would be okay with that?” I asked him in response. “Do you know what the other kids might say to you?”

He seemed to think that it wouldn’t be a big deal. While I would like that to be the case, I have a lot more life experience than he does. And I’m much more familiar with what it’s like to be a religious minority in a very religious and politically conservative state. I’m also all too familiar with what my daughter, now 17, went through in middle school when she came out as an atheist. When she later came out in high school as bisexual, it was no big deal given what she had to go through over her religious beliefs.

Then there was the atheistic parent I talked to about this proposal who said, “Go ahead, let them pass it. I’ll take it all the way to the Supreme Court.” This parent, who plans to encourage his child to say the prayer but in a goofy way, would challenge this law directly. If his child is punished, he’ll insist that his son had said the prayer required by the law.

I have trouble with this attitude, and not just for teaching a child to be disrespectful of the school and the law. It feeds the stereotype that non-believers are radical litigators who want to ruin it for everyone. And I have to wonder how the child’s needs factor into the equation. My spouse and I agreed when we first sent our children to the public schools that we would never use them as pawns in a battle over our beliefs. I’m more than happy to be there and support my children in their own quest to challenge the system, but I won’t ever use them to do so on my own behalf.

The good news is that the bill is unlikely to pass, even in the deeply red state of Indiana. The bad news is that my son is only in fourth grade and we have a lot of years yet to get through the public school system.